...just to make it today

What would happen if I had access to Commissioner Jim Gordon's Bat-phone? You remember, that semi-transparent red phone that lit up like an alarm whenever it was in use during the camp TV show from the 50's, 'Batman'? Now, I'm not talking about collecting the actual prop used in filming the program so I can cash it out on Ebay. I want a real, working phone that connects to the Batcave. I want to know that in my need I can pick up the receiver and the Dark Knight would be available immediately. (Jim never got the Bat-voicemail, did he?) How would my life be different if I had this instant audience with the extremely capable Batman?



Now, just to be clear, although the concept is from the cheesy Batman of old, my scenario absolutely rejects this dude answering the call:

If he picked up the line, I'd tell him to lose the painted eyebrows and stop carrying his arms like a gay T-Rex.



Definitely not this clown and his punk friends, either. If he answered the phone, I'd ask him to do us all a favor and hit self-destruct in the Batcave.









This has gotta be the Batman that I could reach out and touch:


A legitimate, able Caped Crusader, ready to hear of what evil lurks in the shadows, willing to go into the dark places, and able to defeat the foe.

I certainly wouldn't take this direct line lightly. "Yo Bats, could you pick up a case of Heine and come through real quick?" would never happen. Even if Batman and I, over a long period of time fighting crime, developed a friendship, I would still maintain a level of respect for the man. We would never be peers, no matter how cool he treated me.

I also would not be content staying in my normal routine. "Umm, Batman? Yeah, man, look, it's this dude out here on Ogden by my crib, he's got a flat. Yeah, flat tire. Hello? Batman? You there?" wouldn't cut it. I'd probably start keeping my ear to the street more. I'd feel an obligation to go out and look for problems big enough for the Bat. My life would take on a new meaning. The idea would be to get close enough to situations to know when they are going down without fooling myself into thinking that I was gonna save the day. That's Batman's job.

Would Batman possibly be able to answer all my calls? Let's say he had a Bluetooth headset in his cowl (you know that Batman probably invented Bluetooth, despite what Bensheets may say) that was always on, that he was guaranteed to always be listening. He still wouldn't do everything that I wanted to do, because his schemes to rid the streets of Gotham of crime would be more comprehensive than my angle. I would play a small role in his overall mission, and I might be informing him of a weed spot I learned about when he's on a rooftop staking out a major meth lab run by the Joker. Would I have the gall to stop helping his cause due to the limits of my role? I'd have to be a fool to pass up the chance to work with Batman because he doesn't do things the way I thought would be best. He's Batman, for Christ's sake.