A Day in the Life of the_dude

Last Thursday, at my work, we had an appreciation lunch for a member of our project, Jeff, who is leaving to finish his PhD. It is a really sad thing for many people and also a bummer for the project, as Jeff has a skill set that will be quite difficult to replace. So, just about everyone on my project (about 25-30 people) went out to a Mexican restaurant close to work to celebrate Jeff and say goodbye (it wasn't a farewell lunch because they really hope to lure him back in a couple years). In attendance at this lunch was Regular Boss and (to my surprise) Big Boss. Now Big Boss is always wearing khakis and a dress shirt, often with a tie. Big Boss does not often make an appearance at events like this one, since he is many times required to be in attendance at meetings and various functions where khakis and a tie would be required. Such meetings are generally held some distance away from my coworkers, who hold themselves to a much lower standard of dress. That standard, to be more specific, usually falls somewhere between Just Woke Up and Going To A Nice Dinner At Chili's, for the curious among you. Anyway, with such a huge group of people and such a momentous event comes, inevitably, the Boss speeches about how much Jeff will be missed and how much he contributed to the project and whatnot. After Big Boss and Regular Boss had given their speeches, full of compliments and pleasantries, another man took the floor. The name of this man is Nick.

Nick is a physicist and a good one at that. Nick is also brilliant, which is an attribute highly correlated with being in his profession, at least where I work. Actually, Nick is probably smarter than about anyone you've ever met, to be quite frank. However, the one attribute that Nick possesses in greater abundance than intelligence is, undoubtedly, his propensity to be crass. He will say things, offhandedly, almost by mistake really, that would make a construction worker blush. His wit knows no bounds, including the bounds of decency and good taste. If you're not ready for it, you will probably leave a conversation with him with your eyebrows permanently raised and feeling like you really need a shower.

With that as a background, you now have some idea of the feeling of unease that beset our entire party when Nick first began to speak. Sexual harassment statutes were flying through the minds of Regular Boss and Big Boss as each one set his jaw and hoped for the best. I do not wish to give you the wrong impression, though. For all his crudeness, he is a genuinely affable man, indeed exceedingly so. He calls his girlfriend 'Pookie' in public - how can one not love that? And so the air was much the same as if your favorite uncle, having had one too many drinks, was now rising to speak at a wedding reception. You didn't know what was coming, but you were sure it wasn't going to be entirely socially acceptable. And so it was that Nick the physicist, sporting his beloved Steelers beanie and a Steelers sweatshirt, rose from his chair and in a slow, deliberate, and somber tone, delivered these words:


"""I'd like to say that Jeff has touched each of us on the project, in
a very deep, very sensitive, and very meaningful way.

(some people already starting to laugh, Bosses hoping for the best,
others beginning to cringe)

And not in a way that is at all sexual..at all.

(full on cringing beginning by Bosses, laughter from others)

Not that there would be anything wrong with that. In any way.


Once, I was asked to fill out an evaluation of Jeff for a performance review, and I wrote, "I think Jeff is the most important member of our project. If he were to leave, we would all be boned."

(some looking around to see if others are laughing, others (like me)
spitting beverages onto the table)>

And I really believed that. In fact, I would have written it on
subsequent performance evaluations, but due to apparently a clerical
oversight, I was never given another opportunity.

(people crying at this point)

But now, I don't think that's true. I don't think we're all gonna be
boned because Jeff is leaving the project.


But, Jeff, thanks for keeping us from being boned for these six years.

You were a great chastity belt for the project, and we'll miss you. """


A few minutes later, I said my farewells, and with my eyebrows raised and my head slowly shaking back and forth, I returned to work, thinking to myself, "Eh, that could've been worse." Fare thee well, dear Jeff. Good luck trying to replace this lot...