The Men's Room: Where 49% of America Goes to Go

Although this topic has been addressed at length by bloggers worldwide (see, for example, this seminal work by fellow blogger bensheets), the American men's room remains a subject worthy of discussion. Its ethics and etiquette are by no means a solved problem, and, as I will share presently, there are some who need reminding of even the most basic of its standard operating procedures.

Problem 1: The Zip-Flush Urinal Reflex
Following the link above, you will see that there are some standard expected behaviors at a urinal. At the end of one's stay in front of a urinal, there should be something which I like to call the Zip-Flush reflex. The so-called "ZF reflex" is the nearly two-in-one motion which brings the zipper on the fly up and immediately after also brings the hand up to the urinal handle. The ZF reflex completes as the handle is tugged downward, usually as the individual is turning to walk away. Most American men gain the ZF reflex by adolescence, after years of noticing that one action immediately follows the other. What I write to tell you, dear readers, is that there lurk among us men who have either repressed this reflex or have never gained this important life skill. To wit, I find myself, on an almost daily basis, WALKING UP TO URINALS THAT HAVE NOT BEEN FLUSHED. This is not a difficult task, and it's not even hard to remember, because the whole time you are doing what you need to do, you practically have to STARE at the handle. I work with a lot of smart people. These are bright, capable people who have proven they are good at solving problems. So, I wonder to myself, how is it possible that you can tell me the inner workings of high energy plasma given certain initial conditions, but still be unable to FLUSH A FREAKING URINAL. I SAW THE SPECIAL ED KID DO IT IN HIGH SCHOOL. GET IT DONE PROFESSOR NASTY. Enough said.

Problem 2: The Hand Washing Situation
There are six sinks in the men's room in my building. Four of them work correctly. From empirical data, I can attest to the fact that all four of them spew forth icy cold water, regardless of which knob you turn and for how long you leave the faucet on. Now, even though it is just as physically painful for one to wash his hands in super cold water as in super hot water, the medical establishment has convinced me that bacteria only get killed from washing your hands in hot, soapy water. By the way, the soap is also really crappy and doesn't foam up very much. Therefore, I'm in need of a better hand-washing solution. Now, there happens to be one sink at the opposite end of the building on the 2nd floor that produces hot water on demand. It's in the middle of a hallway. So, in theory, I have a solution to my hot water problem, if I'm willing to travel up some stairs and down the hall to the sink - which I am. As for soap, I have purchased a container of foaming Dial soap that I now keep in my office. Second issue solved. All the elements are in place, I'm just not sure which sequence of events will generate the least amount of office awkwardness. The most efficient sequence is: take the soap with me to the men's room, avail myself of the nearest urinal, proceed with the soap up the stairs and down the hall to the sink, and then wash my hands with the foaming soap and hot water. There are (at least) two problems with this strategy. First, I have to take the soap with me into the men's room. Not cool. Secondly, I have to leave the men's room looking as if I have no intention of washing my hands AT ALL. Again, very not cool. Sooo, here's the strategy that I think I will implement, starting tomorrow. Leave the soap in the office and then proceed as normal to the men's room. Empty the bladder, FLUSH (see above), do a quick, superficial handwashing, then proceed back up to my office, pick up the foaming soap, and head on down to the good sink where the real handwashing will take place. I think this is a good strategy, as it addresses the hygiene concerns while simultaneously minimizing office awkwardness. If you have other thoughts on the matter, though, I would love to hear them.

Summary:
As the above two issues show, the American men's room abounds in complexity, not only because of its variety of patrons, but also because of its widely varying equipment and the operational status thereof. Perhaps someday, these issues will be addressed in workplace training procedures, or even as part of the interviewing process. But for now, the best hope for the 49% of America that uses a men's room is to continue the dialogue on this issue and remember that the Golden Rule doesn't stop at the men's room door.