New writer confirmed

We at HIFI are pleased to announce that our newest member of the team has been confirmed. He is a man who can drive from Chicago to New York on one tank of gas. He is a man that can write a 1,000 word paragraph. He is man who simply 'loves to hang out'. His body of blogging work is distinguished and would be acclaimed by his peers, but they don't exist, because he's better than everyone. This is the man who said of a giant metal cross in Effingham, Illinois, "I wonder if Jesus died on a cross that nice" while driving with a bunch of church people he didn't know. And we all know how awkward that is, even before making fun of a huge cross. Our new member is none other than:




The General

He will make a statement within the week, between meeting with all the dignitaries and settling in to his new office. His old blog, The Democratic People's Republic, will remain on the internet and in our hearts forever.

Following is some excerpts from the confirmation hearings that were held. It was an arduous process, but the General got through in the end with honor and class.


*****

ONEWAY: The Chair recognizes the Senator from New York for five minutes.

SHUMER: Thank you Mr. Chairman. General, first of all congratulations on your nomination and a warm welcome to you and your loved ones.

I've looked over your record, General, and my first question has to do with your extensive presence on the internets(sic). I'm sure you wouldn't deny that you are, in fact, on the internets(sic), would you?

GENERAL: Are you serious?

SHUMER: Yes, General, are you or are you not on the internets(sic)? Is that right? Or--I mean, wait now, is it the world wide net(sic)? No, the online pages. No, that's not it. You know what I mean, the kids are always on it, the, the emails that you shoot back and forth--

GENERAL: I am on the internet. You are inept.

SHUMER: Now, my staff has made me aware that there is something else on these internets, and that something is women of ill repute in various stages of undress. I'm very troubled by this General. I am troubled and puzzled. So, I guess the question is, General, how can you guarantee this committee that you are a man of integrity with this type of thing on your public record?

GENERAL: Senator Shumer, I have so much integrity it's coming out of my (expletive deleted). I don't know where you got your law degree but I have a sneaking suspicion you paid for it with a proof of purchase from General Mills. If you want to know whether I'm a man of character: ask your mom.

SHUMER: General, I think I should really reiterate how troubled I am at your lack of response. Mr. Chairman, I'd like to let the record reflect that I shook my head and sighed three times during the General's response...

ONEWAY: Without objection, the record will reflect both the head shaking and the sighs. Actually, I object. Keep it moving, Chuck.

SHUMER: Now, I have spent a great deal of time reading your internets, or excuse me, your Internet Web, if you will, and although ostensibly you seem to support good, Democratic values, of helping the little guy and personally ensuring that liberty is preserved, upon closer inspection you would almost, if I'm reading this right, you would almost seem to be against these ideas. You seem to have made statements that would convey that you think we need less litigation in America, when we all know that suing is a constitutional right. How do you explain yourself on these matters?

GENERAL: I protect your mom's rights.

*****

GRAHAM: I just want to thank you, General, for being so forthcoming. You've been very patient and answered many questions for us today. Thank you so much. General, thank you answering with honesty and candor. I just wanted to say we appreciate your listening and answering here in this proceeding. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. With hugs and kisses and sugar sprinkles. I love you.

THE_DUDE: What'd you say?

GRAHAM: What?

THE_DUDE: Did you just say sugar sprinkles?

GRAHAM: I was just thanking--

THE_DUDE: No, I heard all that. What was that last bit?

GRAHAM: The last bit? Umm, I just wanted to thank the General for being--

ONEWAY: Shut your mouth, you're done.

*****

BIDEN: General, we are here today, this committee and you and the people listening, because you were nominated to blog at HIFI. Our job, our job today is to get some straight answers from you about how you would blog if you were confirmed. The Americans Online deserve someone who will uphold the truth, use correct grammar and spelling, and, most importantly, uphold the truth. General, these proceedings are very serious matters, serious as a heart attack. Yeah, that serious, but not so life-and-death. I mean, you could die from a heart attack, but you wouldn't die from these proceedings. Unless I suppose you had a heart attack during the, well, if while I was asking you a question, or even if you were about to answer a question and your heart missed a beat, well, that's like a train jumping the rails right there, isn't it? And, well then, in that case, we could all agree that--well, I guess, what I'm saying is you could die today. And so could I, or everyone one of us in this room. I often wonder how many more ticks on the 'ol clock I got. Time is a funny thing--

ONEWAY: Senator Biden, you used four minutes without asking one quest---

BIDEN: --because you can't touch it. Sometimes I'll look at my wristwatch and yell out, 'Who's messed with my wristwatch?!!" because it'll be three in the afternoon and I'm still trying to find my car keys. Those keys, gotta check the couch again, I, um--

ONEWAY: Senator Biden.

BIDEN: --once found a old sandwich that I lost underneath the cushions--

ONEWAY: BIDEN!

BIDEN: --it was still good-Huwwhat? Where am I right now?

ONEWAY: Sit down, fool.

*****
FEINSTEIN: Now, I'd like to begin my campaignin--err, questioning with a brief statement. I am extremely troubled, puzzled, afraid, and uncomfortable with the General's ideas. These hateful--

UNKNOWN AIDE(muffled): Mrs. Feinstein--

FEINSTEIN(muffled) : The nerve--you dare address me with 'mrs.'? I have the constitutional right to be addressed as 'ms.' because marriage is slavery, you idiot! Pack up and get out of my sight! Why were you interrupting me anyway?!!

UNKNOWN AIDE(muffled): Ms. Feinstein, you have a very important phone call.

FEINSTEIN(muffled): A phone call?!! I'm in the middle of congratulating myself, you moron! I oughta--

UNKNOWN AIDE(muffled): He said it's very important and cannot wait.

FEINSTEIN(muffled): Are you this stupid?!! Who could it be?

UNKNOWN AIDE(muffled): It's Satan, ma'am.

FEINSTEIN: I apologize, General, Chairman, if you'll please excuse me, I have a family emergency.

*****
KENNEDY: Now, General, you went to the University of Illinoise at Urbana-Champaign in Illinoise, correct?

GENERAL: That's right. In Illinois. You don't say the 's' at the end.

KENNEDY: So, while--what's that? I said Illinoise. The 's'? That's what I said. Illinoise. I said that. Moving forward, you--

GENERAL: No, it's pronounced Illinois, Senator.

KENNEDY: --went to school--what's this, again? I said that already. What? ILL-A-NOY? Is that it? ILL-A-NOY? ILL-A-NOY, ok. That's what I've been saying all along. Now, General, is it true that there was a Klu Klux Klan rally held on campus there while you were a student?

GENERAL: I believe so.

KENNEDY: Are you denying that this rally took place?

GENERAL: No, I seem to recall that the KKK created a stir.

KENNEDY: So are you changing your mind?

GENERAL: Are you?

KENNEDY: What?

GENERAL: That's what I'm sayin'.

KENNEDY: How dare you make this a spectacle! Chairman Oneway, I have deep reservations against supporting this nomination. We are here to get answers. I request that we move to executive session to vote on a subpoena for the General's records. If you deny me, you are going to hear it again and again and again until we have a resolution. And after that, I will repeat it again and again and again so I'll look good on TV. I spent my entire life fighting for the little guy, representing the working women and men, and sticking it to the Man. I will not stand for--

GENERAL: But you are the Man.

KENNEDY: --this ridiculous--What's that?

GENERAL: You are the Man.

KENNEDY: Mr. Chairman, this is outrageous, I demand--

GENERAL: Look at yourself. You're a rich, old white guy from the east coast who's inherited all the money and power in the world. If you aren't the Man, who is?

KENNEDY: Listen to me you little--

ONEWAY: Restrain that man! Don't let him--double team him, he's got a huge head--grab him, watch out for his teeth, he could fit a baby in his mouth. Got him? Hey, he's getting loose, Jack hit him with the taser, yeah, that's it. Hit him again. Good. Wait, I think he's gettin up--

THE_DUDE: Hit him again, Jack.

BAUER: Sir, with all due respect, I think he's just twitching--

THE_DUDE: Go ahead, Jack.

GENERAL: It smells like Outback in here.

******